There is an old cartoon that says, “We have met the enemy, and it is us.”
To some it may seem shocking to think we are capable of hosting a dark side. However, within each of us, there is a good side, and a shadow side. Our shadow side is the side of us that feels dissed, wronged, offended and victimized when hurt or questioned.
According to the Enneagram (an ancient personality typing system) every personality has a choice of two arrows to follow, in any given circumstance. One arrow is our growth arrow, which helps us rise up to be a wise person come the end of life. The other arrow is the arrow that leads to disintegration, and when followed exhibits behavior from our dark side, our saboteur, our negative self talk. It is from this dark side that we play the role of victim and stay small. By resisting we refuse to accept to adapt to the necessary changes needed.
It takes a lot of courage, compassion and wisdom to intentionally choose to show up as your best self. Without this intention, one easily defaults to bitterness, playing small, and becoming petty. This spiraling path will ultimately lead to your own self destruction, and will not allow you to have learned anything from the process, or emerge changed at all.
How do you stop the spiral?
Byron Katie recommends four simple questions when applied to self doubt, help stop the negative self talk. (paraphrased)
Ask yourself
Is is true? Yes or no? If your answer is no, immediately discard that thought, and the spiral is over.
Do you know it’s absolutely true? (If not, continue with questions 3 & 4)
Who are you if you believe that thought? If you feel less than, insignificant, shamed, smaller….than you have believed the Monster Within, your saboteur.
Who are you when you don’t believe that thought? If you feel strong, confident, certain that you are being your true self, then disregard that thought, and carry on from your authentic, true self.
It has been said, “Time heals all wounds,” however that is not true! It is what you do with that time that will make all the difference. For example, if you use time to figure out who you are and why you are stuck in the same ruts, you can begin to change your behaviors and therefore change your life. In Life Coaching, the BIG PICTURE overview is moving through these three stages:
Self awareness Self acceptance Self accountability
Once we can observe our own behaviors and accept who we are, only then can we make different choices that will open up the path for new patterns and healthy behaviors.
Often under the stress of life’s circumstances, people see our worst self. However, over time and accountability with a Life Coach, we can change that. As you begin your journey into self-discovery, it is about who you are and who you are becoming.
If you’d you like to learn more about how to stop the spiral, and manage your dark side, – give me call!
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